The Anti-Mentor — A Journey of Perspective

We all have those people in our life that we dislike, we despise, and we complain about like a crying kid in a movie theater. They take up unwarranted mental real estate. It’s exhausting and destructive, and has affects on us tenfold more than the positive influences in our lives.

Introducing the concept of the Anti-Mentor.

You’re probably familiar with the concept of a mentor. Heck, you probably have one, even if you’re not aware of it. Someone that inspires you, guides you and motivates you.

Mentors are important for a few reasons:

• They help you to build your professional network that becomes useful when starting a business or advancing your career
• They give you honest career advice and guidance that leads you on the right path to success
• They share their career, business and life experiences, providing a fast tracked road to success, without experiencing all of the failures
• They’re a great source of constant inspiration

Well those are reasons why a mentor is great. So, what’s an Anti-Mentor and why are they important?

The anti-mentor is someone who you absolutely do not want to be. The anti-mentor is the person whose life choices — personal or professional — have led to circumstances in their lives that you definitely do not wish to experience in your life.

An important figure (or figures) to recognize as we tend to harbor negative emotions and experiences far more than positive ones.

But why?

I recently had a good conversation with a friend that lead me on a path of discovery to understand why negative emotions are so much stronger than the positives.

As humans we tend to focus on what went wrong in our childhood, in our relationships, in our business, and in our lives. We retain detailed information on heartbreaks, failures, deaths, family, and beyond. They often strongly shape who we are, and our sense of identity. But, why?

The brain handles positive and negative information in different hemispheres. Negative emotions generally involve more thinking, and the information is processed more thoroughly than positive ones. Thus, we tend to ruminate more about unpleasant events — and use stronger words to describe them — than happy ones.

The retention of negativity can also receive recognition from evolutionary practices. Your brain is hardwired to see the bad. The threat. The danger. Whether emotional or physical. It’s a survival mechanism.

It’s difficult to personally recognize toxic or damaging behavior or actions in the present, as a wealth of emotions mask your ability to be critical with your thinking. However, it’s much easier to sit on the sidelines and observes others while experiencing an absence of their present emotional state.

This means that you can objectively identity others negativity, before the individual does themselves. The problem is… we’re often close enough to be affected personally.

Pro tip: I like to ask for multiple perspectives on people, and scenarios, even if irrelevant or minuscule. It helps you practice stoicism and identify your emotional flaws.

Let’s change our perspective and call this an opportunity.

A moment to reflect, recognize and learn. A positive to a negative. Use it as a weapon of self-progression.

Con: Controlling and degrading boss damaging your mental health?

Pro: Non-negotiable values for the future leader within.

Con: Toxic and manipulating partner?

Pro: Red flags to look for in future relationships. The next will be stronger and healthier.

Con: Traumatic upbringing through abusive parents?

Pro: Emotional experience on ineffectiveness of parenting. Won’t be doing that.

“I’ve never thought of it that way”.

These lessons are more valuable than the successful ones.

Anti-mentors often come in disguised forms. Parents, bosses, colleagues, best friends, partners, etc. This is because we’re exposed to more than a by passer.

Before you identify the anti-mentors in your life, you need to identify your own bias’ and predispositions.

We tend to hold grudges. Vendettas. Whatever you want to call it — related to insignificant or unresolved emotional trauma.

Ask yourself confronting questions:

• Does this persons behaviors or language trigger personal insecurities?
• Are they having success, where I previously received failure?
• Is there anything going on in my life that is causing me to latch onto this person, or problem in a negative way?

If you can answer those truthfully, and that person still falls into the category of an anti-mentor, then you’ve struck gold.

Sit back, throw on cruise control and enjoy your journey to your best you. Eyes on the road at all times.

I challenge you keep your reflect on people around you. Their behaviors. Personalities. Tendencies. Patterns.

Reflect and recognize.

Nominate an Anti-Mentor and learn from them just as you would from a Mentor. Shift your perspective and look at past adversities, negative experiences and failed relationships differently. You’ll thank yourself later.

Use your biological dispositions as inside knowledge on self-improvement.